THE MONOGAMIST

"....while for me the idea of seeing another man would be like trying to fit another outfit into an already over-stuffed suitcase, Big was happily dating another woman like it was the most natural thing in the world. Is it that men have an innate aversion to monogamy, or is it more than that? I wondered in a city like New York, with it's infinite possibilities, has monogamy become too much to expect?"
-- quote from Carrie Bradshaw Season 1 Ep.7: The Monogamists

I happened to be watching the Sex & the City reruns days back and bump into this particular episode about monogamous relationship. Surely, I don't live in New York city and am not involve with a man like Mr. Big but that episode really got me thinking: In this world where everything's possible and new things pop up almost every minute, has monogamous relationship REALLY become too much of a thing to handle? And, I mean, has monogamy become a burden to the creatures who hailed from Venus?

The issue about guys refusing to commit has long been buried in the ancient relationship bible. Come on, when was the last time you heard about guys refusing to commit himself into a serious relationship? Loong enough that I can barely remember.

But when was the last time you heard about a breakup that was initiated by the girl?
Recent, huh?

The issue now is that girls are no longer relenting themselves into a monogamous relationship. At least not at the age when it is too soon to settle down. Girls are hating the idea of finding Mr. Right too soon. In fact, it is not feasible to even go in depth a relationship for fearing that you will realise he is Mr. Right but the timing is all wrong. Then the ultimate decision strikes: either give up your desire explore and settle with your so-called Mr. Right or take the risk of giving him up in return for the hope that there are better fishes in the pond.

Make up a situation: You know this great guy and then starts to think that he is the one. In fact you got so confident about it that you begin telling your friends, your family, your besties that you think this is it. Have a honeymoon period, then reality sets in. You don't fit well together, your perception about the future goes in opposite direction. Then you realise everything that you thought was love initially are only a mere illusion and infatuation. You are back at square one again....either give up all your hopes about finding another better love and settle OR break off and start the hunt again.

Perhaps that is the dread that every girl are trying to prevent themselves from getting into. But face it, most girls have had an experience in a serious relationship that spans on for years and breaking if off after that. It has become an ultimate big NO NO in the dating bible. Getting into a relationship too soon and you face the risk of falling apart. Else, take the risk to explore, fall and learn before settling only with the best or nothing at all.

In a big city where there are countless possibilities hidden at every nick and corner of the streets, it has become ultimate that there is only one thing a girl should avoid: the decision to enter into a monogamous relationship.

If trying to fit another outfit in an already over-stuffed suitcase seem like an impossible thing to do, then consider carrying an empty suitcase with the hope that you will pick up some outfits along the way and then settle with the combination you are most comfortable with.

PARTY GUEST 2: What about you guys?
CARRIE: I'm not dating anyone.
PARTY GUEST 2: And what about you Miranda, seeing anyone special?
MIRANDA: Actually no but I am seeing a whole bunch of unspecial guys. That's one of the requirements to date me. Are you special? Sorry! Move along...but if you have any unspecial friends could you give 'em my number. I'm serious do any of you have a completely unremarkable friend or maybe a house plant I could go to dinner with on Saturday night?
PARTY GUEST 2: She's hilarious!

(Sex & the City S4 Ep.1: The Agony & the Ex-tacy)

Yes hilarious....but she's right...

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AND FINALLY.....


the long wait is over.....Sex & the City: The Movie is gonna be released June 5 in Australia. OMG....can't wait already.....because it is nice to know that Carrie's journey of manhunt has finally come to an end....

COMMITMENT ISSUES

I am beginning to realise I have commitment issues. And it extents to the point where career hunting can be a too-much-to-handle situation for me.....

The situation is: I've been doing contract jobs and temp positions, meaning I go to work everyday like everybody else.....work the same amount of time, do the same amount of work and go home. Just that the major difference is I am not considered an employee for that company. I don't get leave loading and if I don't come in to work, I don't get paid. As simple as that.

And I am beginning to feel too comfortable with this idea. Well, at least I don't have to hand in my leave application months before the actual date itself nor do I need to give any notice prior to leaving the company. Whenever I have exams or anything, I could just tell my superior one day prior and that's it, I get my day off. I love the idea that I don't need to be tied down by work contracts or agreements. I love the idea of being a freelancer.

Now that I am in the middle of hunting for a permanent job, it suddenly hit me that eventually I will belong somewhere, be tied down by contracts and work agreements. I will be subjected to everything the company says or instruct. I will be officially TIED DOWN!

Get the big 'YES', sign the papers and *BaM* I am officially hired! sold!

So now, its kinda a dilemma whenever I am being called for an interview. In a way I wanna get a job offer but in the other way, I wish I could remain in whatever position I am in now.....

Gosh...I am beginning to feel like Gulliver in Gullivers' Travel....being tied down by many many tiny people....I feel choked, I feel heavy......

I am suffocating............

Gosh....I sound like a man being forced into an arranged marriage!

MONEY....OR COMPANY

I just got off the phone with my sister in Malaysia and came up with a dilemma in life which striked us these recent years without us realising. The dilemma happens due to 2 elements.....

MONEY??

&

COMPANIONS...

Back in those days while I was still in Malaysia, we used to go shopping, karaoke, movies, concerts or dinners together. There never was prior long discussions about the outing besides a simple question of "You wanna go XXXX?" If the answer was a positive one, *BAM* book table/ticket/room and off we go. We never need to worry about companionship because we had each other.

There was never worries of winning a pair of tickets and had no one to go with. Usually the situation was much more simple if we only had 2 tickets because that would mean that we would go with each other, no questions about it. It was always difficult when we got more than 2 premiere tickets because then we would be stuck in a situation where we have to decide who we want to invite and risk the chance of losing a friend or two whom we had to give up on. But regardless, we always have each other's company.

Only issue back then was more to the financial & transportation factor: the price and the means of transport. That would all come down to the approval of our parents. But 90% of the time....no, rephrase....100% of the time my parents will end up being our ATM and cab driver because they would rather go through all the hassles of getting stuck in jams and wandering around the mall while we carried on with our activities, for worries that we might face danger taking public transport or accepting offers from so-called friends whom we barely know.

Rewind a few years and a few decisions along the way, I drifted off the rough sea and land, settling down in the Land Down Under while my sis remained back in Malaysia. Since then, we hardly ever go for any concerts, and if we do, it's usually after a loooong series of persuasion and asking around. We are old enough now, I've entered the materialistic world of work and career while my sis earned some extra bits through her scholorships. Yet, we both are still facing the devilish factor of money and companionship.

Most of the time, sis got stuck in situation where she had no one to go with. Even the last concert she went was with my mum, and that was for Jacky Cheung in Genting. And the reason she manage to persuade mum to go was because mum likes Jacky and mum only go for concerts in Genting Arena of Stars.

Over the other side of the world, I was slightly a little over the lucky side. I had a friend who liked Jacky Cheung so he tagged his girlfriend along, and then our girlfriends decided to come along as well, regarding it as a group outing rather than having admiration towards the singer. But not all the time you had such luck. Just like the situation I had now. I manage to set hands on a pair of Eason's $98 tickets for just $68! Good, financial part settled. The concert was at Darling Harbour, within walkable distance from my house....transportation was settled as well. Only missing was the companionship. I had no one to go with. No one to scream with, no one to discuss the concert with.

Eason's going to KL on 14th June as well...and my sis, though wants to go, but might have to keep the enthusiasm level down to the minimum because, high chances, she might not find someone to go with. Plus, concert ticket prices have soar up high within the last few years. 6 years back, we could enjoy a front row concert for RM120....(I watched absoule front row of Nic Tse for just RM99)......now, RM120 might score u the cheapest seat IF you are lucky. Jacky Cheung's concert in Genting...the ticket price soared up to RM700 for the most expensive section! She is faced with an even bigger problem.....financially AND companionship!

Aihhhh....since I left, she hardly go karaoke, or had impromptu dinner of 'har gau' 'siew mai', seldom to the cinema to watch movies of her choice unless her bf was free to accompany her. As for me, ever since I've been here, I had to search for my own source of income, find friends every single time I want to go somewhere or do something abnormal......But anyhow, like what old folks say, there is no solution that benefits every criteria, you just have to make-do with whatever you can get.

TMTH = Too Much to Handle

Alright, before I begin, let me first warn you that this entry is gonna be gloomy....too gloomy that if there are gonna be pictures in it, the pictures will be gloomy as well. Gloomier than the gloomy Sweeney Todd. In fact, it's so gloomy that up to this stage, there is already 6 'gloomy's in my sentence...opps, latest count, 7!

Let's begin with something more cheerful lar....sweet first before the bitter part mah. BN won election (yesss lar, it's not something new lar) but for the first first first time in history, for as long as I was born, this is the ever first time they won the election without 2/3 majority! How historic it is for us, the Malaysians! It's not that I enjoy seeing the downfall of Barisan National but it's nice to finally have a decent number of oppositions too. Too much power breeds evil. So it's a great, magnificent, super duper good good news to Malaysian citizens because finally we could say we live in a democratic country.

I don't have any preference as of which party wins, be it DAP or BN. Because I know whoever leads the country will tend to have evil thinkings like corruption, manipulation, biasness etc...etc... It's just normal in the world of politics. But the fact that now no party is winning by a lot, everyone gets a say in every bill tabled at the Parliament. That's true democracy! Well done, Malaysians! And for once ever since I decided to start my life in Sydney, I kinda think that maybe it might not be such a bad idea to go back to Malaysia after all. We shall see how the politics goes in another few years time. Don't be too fast to celebrate.

Ok, big deal, Malaysia achieved true democracy. To be frank, still doesn't have direct impact on me because:

• I live in Sydney
• I earn in Aussie dollar
• I spend in the Aussie market
• I function in the Aussie economy

So, I could only be happy for the Malaysians back in M'sia, or those intending to go back to Malaysia. But, my mood isn't right for celebration at this point of time....

(arrrggghhh....here comes the GLOOMY part)

I am at the verge of losing my job as a bar tender. I loved that job and to lose it is kinda big deal for me. Alrite, to be honest, I am quite sick of that place because I have been with them for 2 years plus! But I love what I do, I love the drinks I serve, I love the shots I layer, I love the money it brought me. One 5 hour shift a week could earn me an extra of $120 plus whatever tips we shared upon. That's not a lot of money but to be having fun while earning, priceless. Plus, without this job, my 2008 NY resolution of 'saving as much as I could' will be going to the drain because my full time job earns me just enough to cover my posh rental and my moderate living expenses.

Imagine...$150 a week (pay + tips) extra gives me an additional $600 a month which comes up to a whooping $7200 a year! It's just March now, and to know that I won't be achieving that at such early stage of the year is just a heart ache!

Not to mention to endure the first ever time I am fired in my whole life...FIRED, that's a big word, TMTH. I haven't exactly been a model employee but I have been one of the few to be 'looked up' by my manager, in most of the job I did. Any busy shift, call Nicola; Any stuffed up situations, get Nicola; Too far away, Nicola don't mine travelling. And really, most of the time I don't really mind except if I had made plans prior or had classes to attend, I would say NO. If not, I am always happy to oblige. That is why, occasionally, if there are small errors in my till or times when I took extended leave during the Christmas period to go back Malaysia to care of a sick Mum was always a no-problem event to my hotel manager. At times when I realise my mum had cancer, he assured me to take all the time I need to care for her and my job will still be right here when I return. In events when I mis-handled the gaming machine causing a discrepancy of $113, he bailed me out and I got to keep my job. I owe him a lot for all that. Literally it wasn't the hotel that save me during those hard times, it was this particular manager who saved my ass.

It's a sad thing now he's no longer there. The new manager had little understanding of me. So, I am not surprised at all if he fired me. The sad thing is not only losing the job, it's losing a good employer-employee relationship we had over the 2 years period and the hostile treatment I got last Saturday from two duty managers that I'd always loved and without good reference, I probably had to give up doing bar jobs forever.

Even if I was, say, given just a warning letter this time, I had kinda decided to not returning there after my April break which I intend to take regardless to concentrate on my studies. I was put-off by the hostility I got last Saturday, and simply devastating that the trust isn't there anymore.....

I told ya it's gloomy....so gloomy that I don't even feel like putting up anything colorful to make it less gloomy. So no motivational pictures, no colored fonts.

I just lost a whooping $7,200....of course there isn't gonna be any sunshine now....at least for the time being.

%#@*GLOOMY*%#@*

WHAT AM I AGAIN??!??!

Few years back, when it was those days where:

I lie on the sofa everyday staring blankly to the colourful TV screen while gripping on the the remote control....

food will come calling upon you when it mysteriously appear piping hot on the dining table......

dirty dishes disappear in a *poof* of smoke....

clean, crisp, nicely-ironed clothes 'walks' and hangs themselves in your wardrobe.....

Yeah....those were the days when you had daddy and mummy and maybe a maid who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing for you.....*yes* those were the days where I sometimes attempt to impress my boyfriends by doing housework to portray myself as a good girlfriend. I tried to cook but never taste nice, wash but seldom clean enough.

Everytime when I am at the verge of failing, out comes the mighty boyfriend to the rescue...helping me dish out the burnt cooking and recooked everything again, wash all the dirty clothes which was lying helplessly over the floor simply because I don't know how to operate the machine.

At the end of every failed attempts, I used to think, "mmmm....maybe I'm just not girlfriend material, maybe I am those mistress material..."You know, no need to do housework but spend every single minute thinking or doing things to make yourself prettier like shopping, facial, shopping again, partying, sleeping in etc...etc...

Another thing that supported my thinking was that I can't bloody cook properly, never clean enough, never organised enough to maintain things and room around me....I used to have a terribly messy room that, trust me, you can't even lay your feet in there for 5 minutes without yerrr-ing of how messy it is. But I loved it, I loved it unorganised because I always know where my stuffs are....

ei....where is the finger nail clipper?

ooo, i know, its under the pile of magazines cum college notes cum stationaries cum make-up inside my room, on top of the study table...

*five minutes of ransacking my pile of stuff....*

yerrrr....your room damn filthy....please lar...aiyor, clean up larrr...you are a girl you know...blah blah blah....

ok....ok...will lar...will lar....later lar....soon lar....after exam then will clean lar....assignment due first lar, this weekend first lar....(all excuses while staring at the TV)

That was years ago.....and I always believe in karma and that the rules of debit-credit exist in this world. If you debit your 'laziness' account too much, you will end up having to credit back out all those 'laziness' you put in to balance back the account.

Then I flew off the comfort zone, came to Sydney and fast forward a few years to now, I could cook!! Not always perfect but I do occasionally get praises from my ever-so-yim chim bf of mine. I would clean, mop, polish, scrub, dust, wipe (*insert all cleaning nouns you could find*), I could do EVERYTHING! Not always voluntarily but have to. Because there is no more 'invicible' help around me anymore. Bye-bye uni days, bye-bye uni frens (coz they all went back to KL), bye-bye atm-daddy & mummy, bye-bye partying, bye-bye drunken session.....

I had to work my ass off to pay tuition fees for my hairdressing course, I had start being thrifty because I never earn enough to lead the lifestyle I had back in Uni days, I moved out with my monkey bf and had to start doing all the chores around the house, start job hunting, start my everydays at 7 in the morning.....I had to WORK, had to live at my own expense, had to face the REALITY of GROWING UP.

I used to:

go clubbing 4 days in a week, NOW....the most interesting place I go is the karaoke;

get drunk everytime I am out, NOW.....I only have a max of 4 drinks and I already want to go home;

go shopping every consecutive days and end up with big piles of clothes, NOW....EBAY became my best fren;

answer the apartment buzzer all the time, NOW....roaches visit more than friends;

be semangat enuff to get dressed up to go out, NOW.....aihhh, lets give up lar, shall we?

I had so much energy back then that there is always power to do something, anything! Even if I'm sleep deprived, give me a bottle of Coke (ermmm...I mean Coca-cola, not cocaine!) and *zzzoom* I'm awake again, all ready to go.

What happened now? Sometimes I wonder where the heck is me? In which part of life did I misplaced myself or my energy level? Now it's like if there is time, I rather spend it in my PJs at home while drooling over chinese series, sing songs while staring at the teenie weenie Youtube site on my laptop screen, eat home cooked meals and drink herbal soup.

I feel like I am thirty (but I'm not...I SWEAR!), I feel like it's time to settle down, prepare myself for family life and motherhood. Have a dog as if a son, play the part of mummy, stay at home, cook, boil soup, clean and sleep.....

WHAT THE HELL HAPPEN TO CLUBBING, GETTING DRUNK, PARTYING & SHOPPING!!?!?

(innocently) Dunno....flush down the toilet guaaa....or maybe they are sneakily hiding inside my boxes of stuff at the sun room....or or I ter-throw them during my 2-years-4-times moving house dramas...

I.

need.

power.

to.

reclaim.

my.

life.

After all, I'm only 25 worrr....ok lar...might be lil...but hell, it still starts with a 2. How many twenties can one get in life?

I.

need.

money.

and time.

to.

remind.

myself.

who.

I.

am.

I want to retrieve the lost self in me, I need to GET A LIFE.....

Ahhhh.....*relieved*

I woke up with a terrible headache today.....real terrible.....all the fault of too much Johnny Walker Black from the karaoke session last nite.....But it was all good...with me the little cry baby weeping all the way coz David and all will be leaving back for Malaysia for good. After this graduation week, everything will be back to normal....no more big gang karaoke-ing the nite away singing crappy songs like "Calcuta", no more "Tiger, Rabbit & Snake" in big circle, no more watching David and Darren stoning from the effects of Sloncha, no more hearing Keeran sing k. sighhhh....thats the effect when everyone graduate and start working. I guess that's life...just that it's a bit more emo for me that I've been here long enuff to see people come and go. It's like Brenda, Zie & Van they all left, then Tui's batch graduated and then leave.....and now David and Darren gang leaving as well.....It seem like yesterday that I pick up David from the airport...seeing him so blur the first time he landed in Sydney...till last nite having the karaoke farewell party for him.....Goshhhh.....everyone's leaving....but then, I know it's just a norm in life so let's just hope that they'll come back and visit more often or pray that we'll get more chance to meet up....

Putting this issue aside, I finally went back to RAW to resign yesterday evening. Too bad that David & Anthony is not around so I told them over the phone because they cannot stand the suspension behind my wanting to talk to them. David kinda like predicted that I'm resigning through the tone of my voice over the phone. I kinda just told them the incidents I have with Ash and told them it's childish and it doesn't suit me. They kinda was sad and disappointed that I'm leaving coz they really liked me. As I went back into RAW to pack my locker, I bumped into Shaun who was doing his portfolio and I told him everything about how I felt. It was then that Shaun told me that actually Ash has attitude problem and a few people has left because of her bad attitude. While packing, Anthony gave me a call.....he said he's willing to do everything he can to make me stay coz he thinks I'm talented and he wants to train me up. After everything, at the end of the story, it's kinda a relieve to me to realise that actually Anthony and David liked me so much that they so wish I stayed. So, realising that they need me more than I need the job kinda feels good. At least I know that I am good....=)

So RAW chapter is over in my life now....time to pull myself together and job hunt again!!!

Glamourous vs. Loneliness

Remember those times you wished so badly that you can go into glamorous parties filled with celebs, DJs, fashion designers and magazine editors? How nice it would be to land a job like the one in "The Devil Wears Prada"? Well, I guess that would resemble what I had been through this whole week of trial in the salon, minus the devilish boss because my bosses are really nice people!

We had to close early on Thursday night because our team had to go in to the Hilton Hotel to do hair for VIPs in preparation of the launch of the Fashion TV and the Red Ribbon event. It was exciting the moment I stepped into the makeup and hair room because it were just mirrors with light bulb all around it, just like those you see in celeb dressing rooms. And there were team from Napoleon Perdis and us doing the hair and the make up. Cameras were rolling to film all the actions and to interview my boss and everything was just moving so fast that people just come in and out of the room. We finished at about 7 and that's when I started to help pack up the stuffs and wheel the bags outta the hotel, thinking that finally I'm done for the day. The next thing I know, I was in a BMW, being chauffeured to the Sydney Opera House and people opening the door welcoming you and then being led to the forecourt where the main event was there. Bright lights were all over the place while camera lights were flashing all the way.....and the next thing I realise was that we were walking in the red carpet of the Fashion TV launch....amazing.....the red carpet had crystals laying on both sides of it and it was sparkling by the reflects of the spotlight and camera flashlights....Inside the room were celebs, models, fashion designers, editors......Everybody was greeting everybody with warm smiles, hugs and kisses. I felt kinda lost actually....but how can I ever resist the free flows of cocktails, beers and finger food such as smoked salmon, fresh oysters and lamb shanks which was being served around the room. It was just soooooo damn amazing to be there.....

And, behind all those glamour were the sense of loneliness I felt inside me. I mean I felt really good to be there....but it's kinda lost that I really I can't clique in with the 3 of my colleague who was there. Not only they had their own conversation, they were such a sucker to the point that they wanted me to go and ask the celebs for cigarette....because they themselves were too ashamed to do so. Hell I did NOT do it....a straight NO into their face, man! And the next thing that happened was this colleague of mine kept bumping into me the whole time, causing my Cosmopolitan to keep spilling......it seriously wasn't my fault but because they know each other better than they know me, the other colleague like sarcastically told me to be careful because I was there representing our salon and then...seriously...they just walked off on me......Fuck I felt soooo lost in the middle of all the glamour and flashlights. I left early after that to go home. I had a really good experience that nite but the attitude my colleagues showed me made me felt a bit shitty.

Overall my experience throughout the week was indeed eye-opening! You never know just who might come in to get their hair done...its when you do the shampooing for them and as you chat on that you might realise they are top radio DJs, music producers or models. It's also kinda weird for me coz I really dun know well about these people because I hardly pay attention to aussie celebs.

And the passes the salon always got were cool as well. Only last week they all got free tickets to go to the Beyonce concert at Homebush Bay and the tickets were like the second row from the front! How cool was that!??!?!?!!?
And, during our staff meeting that I realise that our salon had backstage passes to the MTV Music Awards happening this Sunday. Our boss is actually doing Nicole Richie's hair for the night......we just need to let them know if we are interested to go.....but of course I didn't......read on to find out why....

The lost part behind all the glamour...
I really wanted to go to the awards but given that I had worked with them this whole week....I just need a break off my colleagues over the weekend. It's nice and interesting job there but not getting along with my colleague really really makes me feel shitty at times....because they had been working with each other for at least 2 years and with me coming in suddenly and being the only Asian there who doesn't smoke...it seem that we had nothing in common with each other. The way we talk, the subject we discuss, the things we find funny are totally different. I had been having doubts about this job the whole time I was there....it's certainly a rare opportunity that not everyone gets....but the feeling of isolation sometimes comes up so strong that it kinda overcome the excitement you get from the job. I mean it's ok if this is going to be short term...but from what I feel, it's just gonna be a permanent thingy coz it's not only that I am new, but the bond they have is just so strong and I'm so different from them. There are times I kinda feel that I should just start smoking so that I can take ciggie breaks with them and get the chance to talk informally with them or just at least have something in common with them. I know its kinda silly and trust me...I myself felt crazy that I am actually thinking such absurd things! And moreover, with the pay I am getting now, I can barely even cover my living expenses.....how to spend unnecessary money on cigarette when I am bringing in my own lunch so that I can save $$ from eating outside.The thing is, I always felt that way whenever I am halfway through work or during work....but when I reflect back when I get home...it's overall an interesting job that I'd be crazy to let go just because of such silly thing! And, another reason why I am hanging on is also because of my super duper nice boss, David. He is such interesting person that it seem he is the only one I can talk and laugh to without any hesitation or uncomfortable-ness. He definitely knows how to motivate his staffs and really go all the way to make sure we are comfortable. The nite we went to Hilton, even before we started work he already was afraid that we were gonna be hungry that he actually went out to buy us heaps of sushi and upon returning, he realise the hotel only had plain water for us that he went out to buy us not only one choice of softdrink but 3! I mean, how nice was that!!! And today at work, he got us all pizzas in case we were hungry....He is definitely the best boss I had ever had. I seriously respect him for the person he is.

So....the conclusion is...my job is superb, my bosses are super nice....but shitty relationship with colleagues...I guess there's 2 good point compared to the BIG 1 bad point.....so I accepted the job offer last nite and I am now a CONFIRMED FULL TIME there.....I'll give it a go and see how things will unfold for me......till then, I really am starting to feel like the gal in 'The Devil Wears Prada'.....coz I am so unfamiliar with faces and the culture of this different world where smiles might be fake and praises might just be a lie.....

Welcome to the world of fashion and glamour.....